Even though we knew that my father had been battling serious health issues this past year, we held to the hope that things would not worsen in our absence. There had been some significant setbacks during our months in Costa Rica but each time Dad had seemed to bounce back. We had even had some conversations about possibly going to visit him upon our return north. So the phone conversation telling us of his passing came as a jarring and unexpected shock. However, it seems to me that death is never convenient in its timing or coming.
After some quick discussion, I decided to try to make it to Canada for some of the planning and proceedings dealing with my father's death. As I was researching flight options and costs the prices were rising by the minute and the options were diminishing. I did not realize until later that it had to do with a major snowstorm on the East Coast which had set people scrambling for alternatives to their travel plans. Fortunately, I was able to book a flight for the next day and had to set out early in the morning for a 3 hour bus ride to San Jose to catch my plane.
Along the way, and during my time in Canada, I was able to reflect on the life of my Dad and my relationship with him. I have to admit that my emotional attachment to him as a person is not strong. My sense of loss is minimal. My bond to my father was not a close one. I respected him as my father and knew he worked hard but also sensed a disconnect that left me feeling detached. I knew well his imperfections too . . . I can see their reflections in my own being at times. So my emotions were mixed.
The other factor at play was a sense of relief that Dad's care had passed from off the shoulders of my mother. I knew it had taken a toll on her and that it was affecting her health and well-being also. Reading it from afar it often sounded like the burden was too much for her but she continued to bear it out of love and loyalty, knowing she was paying a heavy price. Now she would be free from that responsibility and burden.
So as we gathered as family . . . my mom, all five of my siblings (a VERY rare occurrence...hasn't happened in over 20 years!) and various nieces, nephews, a cousin, an uncle and aunt we were not overwhelmed with grief. Some felt the loss more plainly than others for sure but the overall sense was of a relief that Dad did not have prolonged suffering and that his care was now out of our hands. We gathered together and remembered . . . both good times and those laden with regret . . . and we shared and laughed and ate together in a manner that builds fellowship and heals. In a manner that has been all too scarce in my family in the past many years. Moments of sharing, moments of healing, moments of encouragement. Precious moments that I was glad to have been able to share in even though it meant I had to do some crazy, last minute traveling and be away from my family for a week.
I close with some of the words from Psalm 27 which were read at the memorial service:
"The Lord is my light and my salvation - whom shall I fear?
The Lord is the stronghold of my life - of whom shall I be afraid?
I remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord: Be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord."
No comments:
Post a Comment